IN DESTINY’S EYES
If I choose to run this race, am I equipped to finish it? Can I endure to the end? Will I fight the fight of champions, or wear the crown of cowards? Can I take the bumps and bruises and dodge the fiery darts that the enemy will throw at me? When I get knocked down — oh, I will get knocked down because that’s a part of life - will I get back up again? Do I have what it takes to carry out my purpose…to fulfill my destiny?
-T.E. Thornton
INTRODUCTION
I was sitting in the church parking lot in my brand new charcoal gray Mercedes Benz CLK 350. Gray is my favorite color. It’s not too bold but bold enough. It has an air of mystic about it. My car was a little gift I'd received from Hartman and Schultz Inc. as a token of their appreciation for me landing the biggest account in our firm’s history. I had a few minutes to reflect on my life before service began, and as I sat there, I had the tantalizing thought of conquering the world. I thought about the headache that came along with accomplishing such a feat, I quickly dismissed that thought and switched my mind over to all of my accomplishments thus far and I realized how blessed I was. A sense of pride began to well up inside of me. I had to say, “Not too shabby for a little country girl from Jasper, Texas.”
I thought to myself, “Wow, I am living in Atlanta, Georgia and making all of my dreams come true.” It was a far cry from the hollow halls of Jasper High who my senior year had the worse football season in the history of the school; zero and nine. A smile slowly spread across my lips; it was infectious. I couldn’t help myself. At that very moment in my life, I felt blessed and highly favored on that cool brisk September morning. I felt like kicking off my Manolos and dancing a jig in the church parking lot. Crazy, yes insane no…it was too cold for all of that tomfoolery. Even thinking about it sent a chill through my body I increased the temperature in my car.
I looked at my Cartier watch; a little gift from one of my many suitors. The eleven o’clock service was about to start. I reached over to my passenger’s seat to grab my twenty five hundred dollar Gucci hand bag. I took out my compact mirror to check my makeup as I thought to myself, “What better place to land a good man than in church?” Then I reasoned to myself, “Most males that attend church are career oriented. If I put my six-figure a year income with his, we can do some things on a major scale. Who cares about love? Love don’t love nobody.”
Pleased at the amazing image that was looking back at me, I winked and she winked back. I just love this girl. A song of praise and thanksgiving began to bubble up inside of me. I knew where all of my blessings came from.
I exited my car with purpose, and walked toward my beloved Mount Superior Baptist Church — a small wood frame church established in the late eighteen hundreds. It exuded peace, love, and happiness. It was a place where the Holy Spirit visited often, and left the congregation in awe and wanting more.
As I walked, I was met by a gentle breeze and I got a slight chill. In an attempt to shield myself from the wind, I wrapped myself tightly in my Shahmina shawl, another gift. I think this one was from Craig the banker, oh how I loved bankers. Oh wait, or was it from Justin the entertainment lawyer…anyway. For some strange reason, all of my senses were on high alert that day. I was in tune with everything around me. I even noticed the fall leaves playing a game of cat and mouse as they danced their seductive dance. They danced a dance of love, jubilation, and sovereignty. Meanwhile, the leaves from the two big old oak trees trickled down to the ground in tandem. They meticulously covered it with an array of colors, as if they were artists painting the next Mona Lisa.
As I entered the house of worship, the Holy Spirit greeted me at the door like an old familiar friend. I exhaled and smiled, because it was a feeling I knew all too well.
The angelic voice of our choir director, Sharee Washington, drew me in like a moth to a flame. I sat in my usual spot, the middle pew. As she sang, her voice enraptured me, peace enveloped me, and I surrendered to its powerful hold.I lost myself within myself, searching for the very heart of me. At that moment I was elevated, propelled to a place only my God and I reside. I became centered and gave silent praise and thanksgiving to God with every essence of my being.
Sharee lowered her voice so Pastor Williams could speak. He called the congregation forth for altar prayer, and I was pulled back into this dominion. I was not disappointed, because altar prayer was one of my favorite parts of church service. This is when I feel as though I can commune with God. He asked if someone needed prayer. Me, being single and on the verge of quitting a six figure a year income to start up my own marketing and investment firm? I am first in line. I needed favor, four miracles, and a get out of jail free card; especially when it comes to dealing with these shifty investors.
I stepped before Pastor Williams. He placed his hand on my head and began to pray. I sent up a little prayer thanking God I was not wearing one on my wigs that day. I decided to go natural and allow my long jet black hair to breathe. Pastor Williams was kind of cute, single, and in his mid-thirties, I am just saying. I closed my eyes and he said something that I did not expect. My left eye popped open. I was bewildered, stunted even I had never told him why I was standing in the need of prayer, but he told me to use my gifts and talents for the Lord, because after all, He is the one that gave them to me. He also mentioned purpose. That word resonated in my psyche. I nodded in agreement, knowing I was not totally committed, because I had not come this far in my career to do an about face. Nevertheless the word purpose totally eluded me.
I am a wiz with numbers, and making numbers make sense to the senseless is what I do. I have a knack for making anything look good on paper. Oh yeah, I can also sell ice to an Eskimo. So, I asked myself, “What’s my purpose in God’s kingdom?” The last time I checked, God did not need an investment banker with a master’s degree in English literature on His team.
God slowly revealed my purpose. After hearing that word repetitively over a period of time, I finally got it. I also realized that I had been “in self.” I would revisit those “in self” moments quite frequently on my journey. One day I was fed up, I was defeated I decided to be honest with myself and flat out told Destiny off somebody had to. I charged her, “You can proclaim that you are for the Lord, but do you really know what that entails? Do you understand the duties that come along with that? Do you understand that you will be persecuted? Do you understand that you will have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk?” You can easily be deceived. You can think that your life is in line with the will of God; but all the while, you may be “in self.”
Life is the best teacher. My tears are my road map to my salvation. This road that I have traveled has not been easy. There were times that I wished that I could pull the brakes, like the ones on a commuter train. I would get off and run in the other direction. Any direction besides the one that I was headed.
There have been times that I felt as though my very existence must be a mere mistake, and I would wonder to myself, "How can one person experience so much turmoil in life?" There were times that I have gotten mad at our creator and thought, “God must hate me.” The crazy part of it all is that deep in the recesses of my mind I was still hopeful. I knew He had my back no matter how things looked…God had my back. I saw love and peace sitting on the horizon, beckoning me to travel a few more miles. Believe it or not, I hated that. I hated it because I had to keep on keeping on when what I really wanted to do was just quit because it was hard, traveling that road was excruciating. I would look up to heaven and say, “Hey God, stop the world from spinning. I want to get off.” I have even contemplated suicide. I was convinced that my existence here on earth served no purpose; but, oh how wrong I was. I deduced that when there is a higher power living inside of you, you have no control. That higher power is willing you to keep on trucking and you have to do just that…keep on trucking.
When I gained enough courage to look back over my life, I was enlightened. I learned that everything that I'd experienced in my life —the good, the bad, and the ugly — was all in preparation for that one fateful day. The day that I'd meet the man that would open up my eyes and my heart to something so grand. It changed my life forever.
Hello, I am Destiny Green Barnes. Everyone has a story, and this is my mine:
